Spontaneous: Self generated; happening without any apparent external cause. He made a spontaneous offer of help. Done by one’s own free choice, or without planning, proceeding from natural feeling or native tendency without external constraint arising from a momentary impulse, controlled and directed internally, self-active. Random. Sudden, without warning.
For those of you that follow me on Twitter you’ll know that Thursday night I left my house unexpectedly. (don’t worry I returned, it was never going to be a permanent departure) I wasn’t supposed to be leaving the house, but I felt I wasn’t really given a choice. Stay and be a metaphorical punch bag, or leave and be on my own, but in all likeliness wet and cold because it was raining. Not a difficult decision to make. And so, it is last Thursday night that brings you this post and this week’s #magicmoment (You’re wondering how right now aren’t you?!)
So…there are five of us in this house and generally speaking it’s a lovely house, chaotic, but lovely. However, it is often only lovely because I’ve worked my sodding backside off to make it that way. It’s only lovely because I’ve facilitated everyone’s contentment and happiness. (Yes, yes I know, as a SAHM that’s my job, but it can,as we ALL know, be a bloody tough job) Things are lovely in our house because I know what everyone’s favourite meals are and cook them on a regular basis. I know when PE kits are needed, when teething needs sorting, when floors need vacuuming. The list is endless, but it sometimes seems as if it is invisible to those I live with. Maybe they think magical little fairies do the supermarket shopping, and busy little elves the cleaning. I wonder if they recognise the thought, and effort, and energy that goes into the running of this house. I know being a mum is about putting your babies first, and being a SAHM to me is about putting my family first, but I was beginning to wonder if it was too much to ask for a little something in return? Yes you’re right, my 10 month old is a little bit young be be going out and buying me flowers, but my 4 year old and 11 year old know how to say thank you. And my husband has been told on NUMEROUS occasions that a big bar of chocolate always helps if he can’t find the words.
So on Thursday night when my husband was in a grump because someone had cancelled his golf, The Masters, recording, and my 11 year old was in a grump because well, she’s 11 and that’s what they do, I decided to go out on my own. I didn’t really know where I was going I just knew I was going! I drove to M&S and bought some Colin the Caterpillar sweets and some Maltesers. (No, this was not my magic moment, but it was close!) It was whilst I was paying for these treats that my phone went, and on the line was my best friend, who (as I am still mostly anonymous on here) we shall call Cynthia. She is a woman who gets me, and always knows the right thing to do or say. She understands that I have good days and bad days. That I might not be feeling 100% all of the time. That sometimes I’M the one that needs looking after. She’s the one that my husband is so lucky to have around, because when he can’t sort me out, she does, every time! She suggested a spontaneous dinner out, and well, who was I to refuse?!
We drove to a lovely restaurant in Bristol and decided on tapas, and wine! We ate, we drank, we talked (well, mostly I talked) and we listened (alright yes, she did most of the listening!) I told her how it just seems that often how my day turns out, isn’t ever controlled by me. It’s controlled by hormones, and teething, and tantrums. It’s controlled but the stresses and demands of my husband’s job. It’s controlled by whether people I come across whilst out and about are having a good/bad day. It’s controlled by so many things other than me. Things that to a certain degree I can’t control. And it was whilst discussing this that she reminded me of my weakness with control. I am, it is fair to say, a bit of a control freak. I like to be in control. I like to know what’s what. Maybe that’s why I go out of my way to ensure everyone is happy, and run the house the way I do? Maybe I needed to let go of a bit of control, which without realising I’d actually done by leaving the house! It was a wake up call, and a taa daa #magicmoment. I needed to let go, not try and be perfect at everything, not try and have the perfect life, be the perfect wife and perfect mother. It doesn’t do anyone any good, least of all me!
The whole evening was magic, having spontaneous time with the woman I love like a sister was magic. The fact that she’d once again sorted me out and stopped me being an irrational, emotional wreck was magic!
And the magic continued when I got home. I think a few people had been shocked that I’d actually gone out and done something for myself. The dishes were done, my daughter told me she loved me and the next day my husband came home and gave me….some chocolate, magic!!