Tongue Biting

Bite your tongue: to stop yourself from saying something because it would be better not to, even if you would really like to.

My inability to bite my tongue has always got me in trouble. I often wonder if it stems from my senior school days where I wish I’d bitten my tongue a bit less and lashed out a bit more. It wasn’t an easy time as those of us over the age of 18 all know, and it’s a period of my life that I’d hate to relive with a passion. A time where you’re not a child, yet equally not an adult – where everything can be a bit scary and overwhelming. You learn a little more about the world you live in and discover that it’s not all Care Bear hearts and flowers, but that it can be tough, unforgiving and unbelievably cruel at times. I found maintaining friendships at secondary school very tricky and always thought about everything far too much. I was never relaxed and able to go with the flow like most of my peers, and would lock myself away in an extreme dark mood if I thought I’d been wronged, which obviously led to me being the butt of many a prank and sarcastic comment. I was easily wound up, and still am.

When I look back at who I was and how I behaved as a teenager I see a lot of similarities between myself and my daughter – however, where I (mostly) kept quiet and retreated into myself and my OCD, she very much vents her frustrations outwardly so everyone knows about it. And she is without doubt far more stubborn that I am, which is really saying something. I’ve written about this many times before and yet somehow, in spite of everything I’ve tried, things have deteriorated between us somewhat to where we have both openly said that we don’t actually like each other very much at the moment. Which makes me feel incredibly sad. Everything is a battle – she won’t eat anything that contains any goodness in it whatsoever. She refuses to drink water. She hates cleaning her teeth and showering as they are just too much effort. She’s exhausted, yet will not sleep before half past ten. Her room is forever messy. And I find myself constantly wondering whether this is all normal?

Don’t get me wrong it’s not all hideous, we do have wonderful mother/daughter meals out and time when it’s just the two of us and it’s magical. And recently we discovered something new which worked wonders. I suggested that she went and wrote me a letter, as honestly as she could and that if she wanted me to read it I would, or if she wanted to keep it privately then she could. And it was a really useful tool in diffusing her anger, yet like most things the positive effect was short lived.

Many people I know do not have twelve year olds, and I’m really missing those reassuring conversations where someone else says their tween is exactly the same. There are no toddler groups for tweens, no stay and plays or tween massage sessions. Health visitors don’t come round and ask how you’re getting on and there are no 13 year checks. It’s a time where parental instincts really do have to kick in as you blindy go where you’ve never been before and tackle challenges you didn’t know could exist. I understand why she is like she is, and I know I can’t fix hormones and make this period in her life any easier, but I do want to make it more bearable for us all, I just haven’t worked out quite how to do that yet and I’m not prepared to ‘wait ten years until she comes back to me’ as many have suggested. Life is too damn short for that.

What I do know is that my instincts are definitely telling me that I have to learn to bite my tongue more. I’m ashamed to admit it and am being painfully honest here when I say that she often succeeds in dragging me down to her level, and we’re like two teenagers arguing and I’m no longer behaving like an adult – and I’m mortified and know I need to reign it in. I have to accept that she’s going to be challenging, that she feels like she hates the world and the world hates her and that everything and I mean EVERYTHING is so horribly unfair to her that it’s unbearable. And I have to find something good to praise…something…somewhere, but it’s far from easy.

So please, if you have any tried and tested tongue biting techniques share them in the comments below, for my instincts are also telling me that at the moment, I need all of the help I can get…

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9 Comments on Tongue Biting

  1. Katie
    February 17, 2014 at 3:37 pm (8 months ago)

    Her behavior definitely sounds normal! I went through a phase exactly like that from about 13-16!

    Reply
    • instinctivemum
      February 19, 2014 at 2:35 pm (7 months ago)

      Me too…from 14 to 22 apparently lol! Just wasn’t expecting it so young!

      Reply
  2. Caroline
    February 17, 2014 at 7:29 pm (8 months ago)

    I can’t bite my tongue – maybe you could have a ‘safety word’. Something silly, which you could agree on which might make you both laugh. COWABUNGA!

    Reply
    • instinctivemum
      February 19, 2014 at 2:34 pm (7 months ago)

      Oh I LOVE this idea!

      Reply
  3. mylittledreamworld1
    February 18, 2014 at 6:20 pm (8 months ago)

    I don’t have experience of this as such. However, I’m 11 years older than my youngest sister, and when she was 12 she was such a nightmare for my parents – I think that as the youngest she really pushed the boundaries and tested them. It was hard for everyone, and there were some pretty huge arguments. She’s grown past it now though and is doing well.
    I think that it’s pretty normal for 12 year olds to start to push the boundaries – I dread when my girls get to that age. Girls are meant to be worse than boys at that age too aren’t they.
    Good luck, all you can do is your best. Your a mum, which means you want to be everything to everyone. But sometimes you can only be yourself. Walk away if things escalate too much, give yourself some time and pace to calm down and then talk about it again later – that’s all I can suggest and might not always work. Xxx

    Reply
    • instinctivemum
      February 19, 2014 at 2:34 pm (7 months ago)

      Thank you, this is so reassuring. I must learn to walk away more I think! xx

      Reply
  4. suzanne3childrenandit
    February 19, 2014 at 11:07 pm (7 months ago)

    Having read today’s post, I had to go back and read a few more because it sounds as though you have a very similar relationship as I do with my youngest daughter, who is also 12. I have had the same questions going through my head: is this normal? I already have one teenager who is not like this at all! I’ve struggled and we’ve sought help. The biggest tip I was given is: If you don’t bat the ball back, there is no tennis game. Ignore, ignore, ignore! So that’s what I’m trying to do. Even when she calls me names and shouts in my face, I walk away, count to ten and carry on with what I’m doing, I have even been know to put earplugs in! This has really helped, I can’t tell you how much! She does however have a fine on her pocket money every time she is rude or disrespectful to anyone within the family, there has to be some kind of consequence. It’s a very difficult age and I could go on but don’t want to bombard you!

    Reply
  5. sarahmo3w
    February 27, 2014 at 6:31 am (7 months ago)

    That sounds really tough. I think my 12 year old son is challenging, but he’s not as bad as this. I too have been guilty of going down to his level and yelling at him though. Like you, none of my ‘old’ friends have 12 year olds – in fact none of them even have 7 year olds – but I have made friends on some level at least with the kids’ friends’ parents. They’re not my best friends, but I talk to them from time to time. Don’t you have anyone like this in your life you can share with?

    Reply
  6. Rollercoaster Mum
    March 6, 2014 at 12:23 pm (7 months ago)

    My daughter is only 8 (well 9 in a couple of weeks) and we already have episodes like this – I am dreading a few years time (or maybe she will have got through it by then – I live in hope!) I try to ignore but I don’t always manage and find we are screaming like banshees at each other. I like the silly codeword idea above. Good luck!

    Reply

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