Crossroads: 1. an intersection of two or more roads.
2. a point at which a crucial decision must be made which will have far-reaching consequences.
Ever feel like you don’t quite fit? Like what used to work no longer does and now it feels plain awkward, unpleasant almost?
I very much feel like I’ve reached a set of crossroads in my life and that I need to make a decision which could take me in any number of directions. Fundamentally I know that direction will not be the one from where I’ve come – for at the moment at least, my current path is one I no longer wish to walk upon.
I’ve always been very aware of my mortality and of making every second in life count. For example, I’m ridiculously bad at saving; often enjoying spending sprees if I can, not seeing the point in being the richest person in the graveyard. I like things to be immediate, present. I am impatient and hate waiting with a passion. Why wait to enjoy life when I can theoretically do it now? And it’s this constant thought that has led me to where I currently stand, at these crossroads.
Deciding your own fate is quite a powerful tool. The possibilities – even with three children in tow – are pretty much endless. It’s having the courage and determination to make those decisions that’s the problem. It’s easy to get comfortable, muddle on by vaguely satisfied with your lot. However familiarity often breeds contempt, and we can begin to resent what once held enjoyment. The everyday groundhogness of life (I talk about his often) can undoubtedly be wearing and tiresome.
I think for me I’ve had a sudden realisation that no one else is responsible for my happiness – and I am fed up of my mood being solely dependent on the moods of others. I’d like to be in control of my own emotions and I’m sure that if I was doing something with my life that made me happy, I may have more of a grip on them instead of finding everything so sodding overwhelming.
So I’ve made a big decision. It may never actually come to fruition and I might be kidding myself that it’s even possible, but you know what, if I don’t try I’ll never know and will spend forever regretting it, slowly becoming more miserable by the day.
And so, my decision is…
To apply to go back to university and do a Creative Writing Masters.
I love writing, and I always have. It’s saved me from PND, it’s cathartic, exciting, rewarding. I fizz with ideas and physically feel like I am going to explode if I don’t write them down. It’s what I’ve always wanted to do, but have never dreamed possible.
This week has been spent drafting and redrafting (a stupid number of times) personal statements and short stories for submission. The thought of doing the course excites me more than I ever thought possible and yes…I am well aware that I might not even get on it (I often doubt my writing and think it sounds like something a ten year old would’ve written!) but at least I’ll have tried. Done something positive to realise that ever hopeful dream of living to work!
So for now the decision about which direction to take at these crossroads is an easy and amazingly exciting one. My happiness is very much my responsibility – and I’m going to do everything I can to make myself ecstatic.